Roll a d20 and 3d6
by LegendaryStarCat
Summary: The Guardians of the Galaxy play Dungeons and Dragons...er, Goblins and Grottos. Needless to say, it doesn't end well. Peter Quill/Kitty Pryde


Peter scooped up the d20 and two d8s, jiggling them enthusiastically in his fist. "Come on baby, daddy needs a new pair of jet boots!"

Rocket rolled his eyes, "just roll already, Quill!"

"Kitty, blow me."

Kitty looked up from her character sheet. "Excuse me?!"

Peter grinned down at her. "Blow my dice!" Kitty rolled her eyes. "Please, Pryde!"

"Fine!" Kitty leaned over and blew on his hand. Gamora rolled her eyes, while Drax just looked baffled.

"What is the blowing of the dice for?"

"Luck!" Peter threw the dice on the table. "Aw yea, nat 20! Kitty, you're my lucky charm!" He ruffled her hair, peering at his character sheet. "That means I do...max damage!" Peter balled up his hands, pumping his fists and wiggling his hips in joyful, if dorky, dance. Kitty rolled her eyes and pulled him down to his seat by the back belt loop of his pants.

Peter fell to his seat as Rocket penciled the damage down behind his screen with a frown. "Lucky roll, but I don't think your whole party will be as lucky."

"I am Groot!"

"Yeah, and Drax is already down to staggered, too."

Peter waved his hand, "pisha! We've staggered the monster, that's the hard part."

Kitty looked down at her notes and doodles. "Yeah, but it took us almost 200 damage to do that. Tarask's are basically the worst. I don't know if..."

"Ah, ah! Don't say we can't do it, we can totally do it!" Peter clapped Kitty's back, grinning. Kitty rolled her eyes affectionately.

"Just be glad you're not facing Fin Fang Foom," Rocket said pointedly.

The party had started when Rocket and Kitty were trading GM tips during lunch. The kids at the Academy had never wanted to play Goblins and Grottos with Kitty, so when she had discovered the first and second edition G&amp;G books on the ship, she immediately sought out who they belonged to.

As it turned out, they were the property of one cybernetically enhanced raccoon. Peter had listened to them jabber for about thirty minutes before he got bored and declared they should play a game of Goblins and Grottos so he could understand what they were talking about. Then he declared it would be a team building exercise, and called the rest of the Guardians into the mess.

Groot lumbered in happily and sat down next to Rocket, who was pulling out blank character sheets, pencils, dice, and his worn, chipped GM screen.

"I would like to use two blades!" Drax declared to no one in particular.

"Hm," Kitty thought. "A ranger would probably be best for that, per this addition, at least."

Drax wrote down his class and studied the paper; "what strength score should I record on my sheet to reflect my characters ability to cut off the arm of a goblin?"

Rocket squinted at him. "Mm, that's not really how thi-"

Drax cut him off, "is an 18 not enough? I am strong enough. My character should be strong enough to cut off the arm of a goblin. I am erasing this strength score and correcting it. What strength would be high enough?"

Rocket grumbled. "Whatever, 18 is probably good enough."

"I do not want to be good enough, I want to be the best."

Rocket smacked his head softly with his paw. "Oy."

Kitty finished scribbling on her sheet. "I'll be playing a druid with an animal companion; a purple dragon." Lockheed cooed happily from his nap place on the top of the fridge.

"Is she hot?" Peter asked, grinning at Kitty.

"Peter."

"Can our characters be dating?"

"Peter, this is literally just a one-shot!"

"Okay, well, I think she's hot and our characters are dating." Kitty rolled her eyes at his declaration.

Soon, all the player characters were decided. Peter was playing a paladin, to match his "noble personality," he claimed. In addition to Kitty's druid and Drax's ranger, Groot would play the cleric (he was the only one willing to be the party healer. At least, as far as anyone could tell) and Angela would be a barbarian (she stated she wanted the simplest, most violently capable character. Barbarian seemed to fit quite nicely). After some debate, Gamora decided to play a wizard, saying she had no interest in doing anything similar to her real life career.

The session started with Angela and Drax both declaring which part of the creatures they faced that they wanted to eviscerate. Rocket tried valiantly to explain that's not how G&amp;G works, but was overruled by Drax, who loudly explained the literal physics behind chopping someone's head off with two blades instead of one. Angela supported his claim that sharp dual weapons were superior to a single sword in some cases, but argued that higher strength and a heavier hitting blade (like her character's, which had d12 damage) would always win out.

Gamora "accidentally" set Peter on fire twice, saying it was because he was trying to steal the party's gold. Kitty tried desperately to explain to Peter that paladins were basically only Lawful Good, and probably wouldn't try to steal from their party. Ever.

"I'm not stealing, I'm reassigning! I'm like Robin Hood." Kitty covered her face with her hand at this statement.

"Then you should have played a ranger or a rogue!" Rocket shrilled. "And you have terrible sneaking scores as it is! You're armor makes so much noise alone-!"

Peter cut him off, holding up his fingers, "okay, one, Drax is the ranger, two, rogue's are boring and totally not noble!"

"So stealing is noble?" Kitty asked with a raised eyebrow.

"If you...reassign the wealth properly, yes." Peter grinned crookedly as Rocket smacked his face and dragged his hand slowly down, pulling his eyes droopy. "And three, I so can sneak!"

"You can, but your character can't." Gamora offered.

"My character can do whatever I say!" Peter crowed jubilantly. "Kitty told me so!" Gamora shot Kitty a look.

"Peter, that's not what I meant, you took me too literally..."

"A paladin always takes a lady at her word!"

Rocket had had just about enough. "I can't do this with you flarknards." He huffed, rubbing the bridge of his snout.

"Oh, come on, Rocket. Please!" Kitty begged pleadingly. Only Groot noted that Rocket was blushing under his fur as Kitty batted her big brown eyes at him.

"Fine, fine. But only because you actually know what you're doing, unlike the rest of these flerkin' nerfs."

About two hours later, Flash walked in and raised an eyebrow at the table. "Are you dorks really playing G&amp;G."

The table silenced and they all looked over to him. Drax rose, anger creasing his brow. "What did you say?!"

"It is a game of tactics," Gamora sat back, eyeing Flash disapprovingly.

"It's just for fun, wanna play?" Peter grinned crookedly.

"I am Groot!"

"I want to rip out his spine now!" Angela declared to Rocket.

Rocket regarded his notes, "well, at least that's something your character can technically do..."

Flash held up his hands and backed out of the room, "geeze, forget I said anything." As he walked out, he mumbled affectionately under his breath, "nerds."


End file.
